Let’s get it off my chest (mind)

So things are still on my mind about my past (perhaps future) relationships. I keep thinking that something is wrong with me and that’s why my relationships fail. However as my friends tell me I am a great guy that is worthy of love. However somewhere in my mind I don’t believe that. As I said on the about page this is going to be a black hole. I just need to speak things aloud, so to speak. It tends to help me move past things.

So let’s begin by talking about my last relationship.

Let’s call him Trevor (No, nothing here will be real names. The point is anonymous after all.) Trevor and I meet on an online dating site. I won’t even try to fake a name for that because the next thing you know it will be real. Me and Trevor really hit it off in the conversation area. We talked for hours on end about random nonsense. At the same time we had some really deep conversations too. A couple of weeks after we had been talking and wanted to move the relationship further he called me and told me that he needed to talk to me about a serious issue. Okay, no problem. He kept going on about saying he would understand if I never spoke to him again after telling me and so forth. I said “Trevor, I like you. I really do. Nothing you say is going to make me stop talking to you.” Trevor responded with “Don’t be so sure about that… … … I’m HIV Positive. Before you freak out I am undetectable and I have it under control. There’s very little risk to you.” Whoa right? Big news. Nope. Didn’t phase me a bit. I kept saying okay, that doesn’t matter to me. But Trevor kept going on about how it was okay for me to leave what we had built and he would understand if I ran as fast as I could the other way. For some reason he couldn’t understand the words “That doesn’t matter to me”. I finally stopped him. Pretty much said “Trevor Shut up for a second. HIV isn’t anything I am scared of. I have a good grasp on science. Especially health science. With today’s treatments you can live a full life. And I’m protected. The only thing this changes is maybe how we go about some things in our relationship, but it doesn’t one bit change my feelings for you.” He was in awe over that. See HIV positive guys in the gay community have this stigma attached to them. No, there should not be one by any means. Science has come so far. We should not be scared of this microscopic virus anymore. Why? Because the treatments to contain it as of now are amazing. The trials we are doing are second to none. We are so close to a functional cure that it isn’t even not a possibility now. Anyway. Trevor and I went on with our relationship. I ended up moving for a job that was closer to him and we meet. We dated for some time. I would say it was roughly 4 months or so. Trevor was and is a gorgeous man in my eyes. He always will be. For me to even remotely say I am completely over him would be a lie. What I will say is I have moved past that point in time where I was with him. I will never fully lose feelings for him. I loved, no scratch that. I love him. Don’t get me wrong. I am no longer in-love with him. Sadly in the English language the word “love” has so many variable meanings. In fact in other languages there are multiple words to define the different types of love. Greek for example has four that I know of. I digress. My time with Trevor may have been short, but, I would never wish it didn’t happen. My perspective on love grew. I’d admit we had our issues as any relationship does. And yes perhaps if our paths ever merged again, we could try again. People do change. As much as I hate to admit it, we do. It may not always be visible on the outer most layer, but change is instinctual. Humanity as we know it wouldn’t still be here without it. I digress again. Anyway, I cherished my relationship with him. I will be the first to admit that I was not patient enough. I should have been. We were both at a massive changing point in our lives. Perhaps the relationship failed because of my mistakes. I will admit I made some. One in which cost me some of his trust. See why I feel maybe it’s me and I’m not such a great catch? Despite the odds we did have good times. Perhaps the out biggest thing working against us was the near decade of age difference. He just had different viewpoints on what went into the relationship. The chances of him ever reading this are so slim. But Trevor I just want you to know I am sorry for the mistakes I made. I’m sorry that we have not been able to hold a successful friendship after the break up. I do wish you the best and hope your dreams come true. Remember I was always proud of you. You were never a disappointment to me.Our biggest issues I think, were I needed more communication and he needed space more than I wanted to give. I do feel I am a romantic at heart. I tried to hold up my end of the relationship the best I could. The more I think about it. Maybe it just wasn’t meant to be. I know I have probably heard that a hundred times from my friends. Don’t always seem to sink in until you come to the realization of it. Funny how that works. Huh, is this what it feels like to be relieved and move on? They say we all move on in our own time and our own way. Is writing a blog about my past relationship the turning point of finally feeling like I can let myself be allowed to grow and form new bonds? Who would have thought that the simple act of telling a black hole about my thoughts and feelings would make things better. Is this why people see Psychiatrist? Just to have it known? Perhaps I will only know if this works for me if I continue to write. Thanks Black Hole for listening.


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