Suffocation. Ripping. That’s the feeling.

I feel like I am suffocating. Like a part of me is being squeezed and ripped out of my chest. I don’t know if it’s guilt, or love. If this is anguish or betrayal. 

Travis is still having surgeries while I sit here watching a Facebook page for updates. I’m sitting here in the shadows hoping to hear the “he’s going to fine” or something along those lines. Instead I keep hear other things with a but he’s fighting still. Yes, that should be some comfort. He always was a fighter.

While I sit here I fell. Being the person that doesn’t understand emotions well I don’t know what I am feeling. It scares me to think that I am having deep emotions that I classify. Am feeling like I can’t breath because I regret some action? Because that is typically how I feel when I am “guilty”. Is my heart feeling like my chest is caving in on it self me missing him? Is the combination of these feelings a new emotion in which I have not dealt with?

All I keep thinking is if he doesn’t make it through this, will I break? We haven’t been together for some time. Should this be affecting me this much? I know I care about him and still love him in certain aspects. However, is it possible to “feel” this much over a guy that I am no longer with?

Everyone keeps saying they are praying for him. I’m sure that in some way gives him comfort and them some peace at heart. However, I am not a christian. My view points on Christian Miracles is, they don’t happen. I do believe in the medical miracles. I believe in the instinctual value of self preservation. I believe our bodies can do amazing things.

Is my belief enough though? I believe that Travis is a man of great strength. I believe that his doctors are some of the best in their fields. Does any of that matter at this point though?

Why is this hurting me so much. Why do I wanna break down and cry every time I read an update? Why do I feel like an emotional wreck? I can recall 9 distinct times today where I felt the need to think about him. It took everything I had today not to break down and cry at work. To hold this facade of “nothing is wrong”. Whether anyone could actually see I am dying inside is beyond me. I’m sure one or two intuitive people may have known.

Emotions suck. I just hope I can learn what emotions I am feeling and embrace them for the better. As of right now I would rather not feel at all than feel like I do right now.

PS. I’m sitting here crying as I write this. Mena, my dog, comes up to me and licks the tears off my face. Then buries her self in to my chest. She knows I’m an emotional wreck at least.

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